I'm a gossip fiend. I live vicariously through other people's drama. I'm a freaking vampire or some shit, sucking entertainment and sustenance through someone else's divorce, money trouble, or basically any failure at all. Maybe this makes me a bad person...maybe this makes me awesome. I'm not sure which, but I am certain of one thing: when I hear a story about you flunking a math test, crashing your car, getting cancer, and walking in on your boyfriend cheating on you with your sister, I know I've had a good day.
There's just something satisfying about knowing the details of people's lives and knowing that your day went just a little bit better. I mean, I also love bitching about my day but I'd rather listen to the sordid details of whatever trauma has befallen you, or someone you know, than bitch myself. As much as I love the sound of my own voice, nothing sounds sweeter than a bucket full of drama.
HOWEVER.
There are some people in this world who like to inform you that they have a secret, some tiny bit of information that probably isn't even significant anyway, but they refuse to tell you. At which point it becomes the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. Everything else in your life is a distraction from your goal: you do not have to pee, you do not have to eat, you do not have to attend class and give a presentation about Nathanial Fucking Hawthorne. You just need to fucking know WHAT THE HELL THE SECRET IS. It consumes every fiber of your being until you are practically bursting with furious anticipation and desire. You know that one of two things will happen in the near future: your friend will tell you the secret, or you will die.
I have a name for people who tell you there is something they aren't telling you and then refuse to tell you.
ASSHOLES.
Giant fucking cum-shitting assholes. If you don't want me to know about your secret, then why did you tell me that you had one in the first place? If there is something you are hiding from me, why would you arrange so that it became my life-fucking-goal to figure it out? People do not realize that they are putting their lives at risk when they do this. What if you were a spy and you let on that you had a secret? You'd be a DEAD spy. It doesn't work much differently for me. I will threaten people at gun point if it comes to it. A chain of events is set up when the words "I can't tell you" pass one's lips, and nobody is in control of it. Could result in death, could result in torture, could result in lots of ranting and angry glares. I can't really say which is more likely.
The worst part of situations like this is the secret-holders always act like it's noooot a big deal that I don't know. If it's not a big deal, fucking TELL ME ALREADY. Clearly it's a huge deal if you won't open your mouth about it.
Though to be fair...it's usually nothing interesting. Which begs another question: Why did you pretend that there was a secret in the first place? I have pondered all of this for quite some time and I have reached a conclusion.
All of my friends are dicks.
No comments:
Post a Comment