Shove your secret right up your ass

 I'm a gossip fiend.  I live vicariously through other people's drama.  I'm a freaking vampire or some shit, sucking entertainment and sustenance through someone else's divorce, money trouble, or basically any failure at all.  Maybe this makes me a bad person...maybe this makes me awesome.  I'm not sure which, but I am certain of one thing: when I hear a story about you flunking a math test, crashing your car, getting cancer, and walking in on your boyfriend cheating on you with your sister, I know I've had a good day.

There's just something satisfying about knowing the details of people's lives and knowing that your day went just a little bit better.  I mean, I also love bitching about my day but I'd rather listen to the sordid details of whatever trauma has befallen you, or someone you know, than bitch myself.  As much as I love the sound of my own voice, nothing sounds sweeter than a bucket full of drama.

HOWEVER.

There are some people in this world who like to inform you that they have a secret, some tiny bit of information that probably isn't even significant anyway, but they refuse to tell you.  At which point it becomes the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.  Everything else in your life is a distraction from your goal: you do not have to pee, you do not have to eat, you do not have to attend class and give a presentation about Nathanial Fucking Hawthorne.  You just need to fucking know WHAT THE HELL THE SECRET IS.  It consumes every fiber of your being until you are practically bursting with furious anticipation and desire.  You know that one of two things will happen in the near future: your friend will tell you the secret, or you will die.

I have a name for people who tell you there is something they aren't telling you and then refuse to tell you.

ASSHOLES.

Giant fucking cum-shitting assholes.  If you don't want me to know about your secret, then why did you tell me that you had one in the first place?  If there is something you are hiding from me, why would you arrange so that it became my life-fucking-goal to figure it out?  People do not realize that they are putting their lives at risk when they do this.  What if you were a spy and you let on that you had a secret?  You'd be a DEAD spy.  It doesn't work much differently for me.  I will threaten people at gun point if it comes to it.  A chain of events is set up when the words "I can't tell you" pass one's lips, and nobody is in control of it.  Could result in death, could result in torture, could result in lots of ranting and angry glares.  I can't really say which is more likely.

The worst part of situations like this is the secret-holders always act like it's noooot a big deal that I don't know. If it's not a big deal, fucking TELL ME ALREADY.  Clearly it's a huge deal if you won't open your mouth about it.

Though to be fair...it's usually nothing interesting.  Which begs another question: Why did you pretend that there was a secret in the first place? I have pondered all of this for quite some time and I have reached a conclusion.

All of my friends are dicks.

Cyborgs induce shitstorms because they're EVIL

Lots of people LOVE cyborgs.  Think they're really cool.  Want to become cyborgs, even.  Have a fucking gun instead of an arm like you're Barett from FF VII? GO AWAY I HATE YOU!  It makes my skin crawl, like there are 10329831231 tiny robot bugs dancing around figuring out ways to turn me into a machine.  I have seen way too many sci fi movies to ever think that cyborgs are a good thing.  They always do the same damn thing:

THEY END THE WORLD!

I cannot stand them.  I want to punch them all in the face, but at the same time, I'm fucking terrified of the fact that maybe if I touch them I'll somehow become a cyborg, too.  Even when I'm driving in my car and I hear about things like robot-assisted surgery and how AWESOME it is it makes me want to run over the old lady crossing the street with her grandchildren and puppies and then back up and run over them again before finally continuing on my way.  Of course, then I'd probably end up in a high speed chase running from the police and have to move to Canada and hide in someone's basement, but that's okay; I bet all of my Canadian friends would love to house a fugitive.

Over the spring and summer, I watched Torchwood and Doctor Who.  For the most part, everything is fine and dandy.  The Dalek are really creepy, but hilarious; Captain Jack Harkness is a pimp; Rose Tyler is the best companion of the Doctor; the Weeping Angels are EPIC.  But then there's the episodes that make me want to die.  Some of you might already know what I'm talking about..yes, that's right...

The Goddamned CYBERMEN.  The first ever episode about cybermen that I watched was the Torchwood episode where what's-her-metal-tits decides to turn her azn doctor into a cyberman but FAILS SO HARD OMG IT IS TERRIBLE.  Blood fucking everywhere, metal shit shoved through his head.  It's a disaster and it took sooooo much vodka for me to regain control of my bowels after watching it.

I was a wreck for so long.  Then I watched all of the episodes of Doctor Who with them and it was just as terrible.  Watching characters that you kind of knew, like otheruniverse Jackie, get turned into cybermen, you quickly learn that it could happen to you too!  GAWD.  FUCK ME. >_>  I DO NOT WANT TO BE SAWED APART AND THEN TURNED INTO A MACHINE GET OUT OF HERE NOW!

And then there was the time that I tried to watch Caprica.  I don't watch Battlestar Galactica, so I had no idea what was in store.  Everything was going great, I liked the plot line, kind of enjoyed some of the characters...and then this bitch gets her consciousness SHOVED INSIDE A ROBOT.  Not even a part-human thing like doctor who.  A FUCKING ROBOT.

People need to stop coming up with shit about cyborgs.  I don't give a flying fuck if you lost your leg saving an orphan from a man with a chainsaw or if you're too old to walk: YOU DO NOT NEED ROBOT LIMBS.  Cyborgs will be the end of humanity.  I know it!  So let's just forget about them forever, suspend all kinds of AI or other robotic research, and start trying to heal people with magic.  Everyone knows that magic is way safer than cyborgs anyway.  With magic, humanity always wins.  With robots, we die.

And now that I've written this, and thought about these effing shitbombs, I have to go curl up into a ball and reassure myself that everything is going to be alright and that cybermen aren't going to burst through my wall and try to convert me...and maybe pour myself a glass of vodka.