Christmas Shopping is Gay

Christmas sucks...okay, not really.  I fucking love Christmas.  I love Christmas songs, and I love presents, and I love the lights, and snow, and DINNER, and PIE OMG PIE I LOVE PIE, and the fact that my BIRTHDAY IS ALMOST HERE, and the spirit of giving.  Hell, I even love the Christmas Eve service, and I'm not exactly the greatest Christian out there. ;D  Jesus was born so that Santa would exist and creep around my house and give me toys and eat all of my food.  And everyone who has an issue about the commercialization of this holiday can stick a dick in their mouth and then go buy me a present.  DON'T CARE.  FUCK OFF.

What really sucks about Christmas is shopping. I hate everything about exchanging gifts, other than the fact that I get free shit.  Free shit is awesome and everyone should send me piles and piles of it. ALL OF YOUR RICHES ARE MINE!!!

This is a really great segue into a side-story how I think being a gold digger is an excellent profession and totally legitimate.  Old people are really gross, so sleeping with them must be the ULTIMATE act of nastiness. Being with an old person is basically like being a high-profile, short-term prostitute and then never having to work again for the rest of your ridiculously rich life.  It's a fantastic investment.  Life goal of mine?  Maybe.  Just have to get over two of my biggest fears: old people and ugly people.

I can do that, right?  Just have to make sure their mansion doesn't smell like a nursing home before moving in.

What I can't do is stop freaking out when I'm shopping for other people.  I don't understand why we don't just give each other money or something.  I'm always scared that I've not spent enough money on someone, that their present is more expensive and therefore I'm an asshole.  I stress from the moment that I pick out what I'm getting them about it.  It's constantly on my mind.  "This book cost me $10!  What if Kelly spent $15 on my present?!  OMG I'M SUCH A DICK WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEE!"

Of course, it also works in the other way.  If I spent a fuckton of money buying someone something that they love and treasure and they buy me a sock, I am going to hate them for the next year or so.  I just can't help it!  I'm very conscious of where my money goes and HOW MUCH COMES TO ME.

SO IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO FREAK OUT FOR THE REST OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON, YOU SHOULD LET ME KNOW WHAT THE APPROXIMATE VALUE OF YOUR PRESENT FOR ME IS OKAY WHORES?  GOOD.

And as always keep in mind that puppies are worth more than anything else.

Anything.

But Lady Gaga comes close!