Life Goal #1: I want to become an alcoholic.

I know what you're thinking: "ADAM NO!  ALCOHOLISM IS SU BAD!"  Well, yeah, you're probably right...though not as right as you could be.  Thankfully for everyone in the world, I'm a MAD sober and a HAPPY drunk.  This leads to people trying to get me all boozed up quite regularly, and who could say no to that?  But that's not what my goal in life is...no.  I don't want to be a party drunk, though that's fun and I will continue to get completely smashed at least once a week until my liver finally gives up on me.  I want to be: a Functioning Alcoholic.

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING ADAM!  I MUST SPEAK IN ALL CAPS TO IMPRESS UPON YOU HOW SRS I AM!"  Yes, yes; I know how super serial you are, Al Gore.  But hush up for a minute.  It's not like this is a bad thing.  This really ties into one of my other life goals (becoming a professional housewife), but we'll save that one for later.

I want to spend every moment of the day with a glass of wine in one hand!  I think I'll become quite good at multitasking with it.  In fact, I'm planning on learning to type with one hand so that I can booze up while I troll the interwebs...totally not learning to type with one hand for any other reason.

Get out of the gutter!  I see you there, you filthy little bitches.  Now hush, I'm trying to tell you a story!

Anyway, I really can see myself flitting through a house, not a care in the world.  I flop down on a sofa, trashy romance novel in one hand, a full glass of Pinot Grigio in the other.  Of course, in this daydream, there's also five empty bottles sitting on the coffee table...because I'm starting on my sixth bottle of the day.  I look at the clock: three in the afternoon.  Time for Ellen!

So go ahead, be productive.  But I know you're not going to have as much fun as I will.  All of my memories will be wonderfully clouded due to an omnipresent drunken haze..but they'll still be clearer than Slughorn's.  And that's really all that matters, isn't it?

So yes.  I only want the essentials in life: internet and booze.  Is that too much to ask?  And hey, I might accidentally become a wine connoisseur along the way!  Booya.